The first sight of your reactionary anger made me angry, but then as I

read the responses you have received, I realized that this is where you

are, spiritually, at this time in your life. 

        We all struggle with the unkown to some degree.  They aren't called

mysteries for nothing.  I have simply come to a different conclusion

than you have.  It's all in what you have communicated to yourself.  We

all need God, but you have told and convinced yourself that it's all

bull, and I see it, and I have convinced myself it's all good. 

        Don't be overwhelmed and discouraged by the situation you find yourself

in right now.  Simply know that whatever you have done, there is nothing

God won't forgive a repentant person.   

        I am a God-loving Catholic, and with good reason.  God has given us

life, unconditional love, infinite mercy (forgiveness), hope, and

peace.  And since he has made himself known to us, we are responsible

for our actions, and answerable to him for our conduct.  God has also

given us his commandments, so that we might grow to be more than what we

are.  The only way to grow is to take them seriously, because God

created us, and knows what is best for us.