GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT
QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In
order
to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments
to
answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your
responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need
not
disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response
to
comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
_*_ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify):
_____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Yahweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost <Trinity
Pak>
__ Jehovah
_*_ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Zeus and entourage <Olympus Pak>
__ Odin and entourage <Valhallah Pak>
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false
god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good
working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing
attributes?
_*_ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire
cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to
all
creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera)
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good
people
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth
__ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a
deity?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
_*_ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Shit was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do
it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god
were
you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Mick Jagger
__ Cthulhu
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Bill Gates
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ Elvis
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The Moon
__ A burning shrubbery
__ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Xena Warrior Princess
__ Other:_____________________
_*_ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve
the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c*. Current level of Divine Intervention is just
right
d. Don't know...what's Divine
Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters
and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of
the
following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
a. Disasters:
flood
1* 2 3 4 5
famine
1 * 2 3 4 5
earthquake
1* 2 3 4 5
war
1* 2 3 4 5
pestilence
1 * 2 3 4 5
plague
*1 2 3 4 5
SPAM
*1 2 3 4 5
AOL
*1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles:
rescues
*1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous
remissions
*1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater
towns
*1 2 3 4 5
crying
statues
*1 2 3 4 5
water changing to
wine
*1 2 3 4 5
walking on
water
*1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own
clocks
1* 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still
alive
1 * 2 3 4 5
getting any sex
whatsoever
1* 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional
sheet if
necessary):
If
your serious about your beliefs you'll read this and understand it..I'm serious
about mine, and willing to accept and critism on your
behalf.
OK, I filled out your survey..now that you have some comments.
First, how does this survey apply to my beliefs???? seems pointless to me.
Second if a person doesn't believe in God because God is
not physically here, or you are unable to imagine his presence, then that
person is no better than a caveman. Let me explain.. Honestly, I am not an
avid follower of God, but I do have faith in God. Now back to my point, think
about one million years ago, before any sort of technology, sciences or
mathematics..the time of caveman..or whatever. If I went up to a caveman and
told him that I could fly, he'd say I'm lying. If I told this caveman that such
things as a universe beyond earth exist, he'd say I'm lying. If I said that one
day a man like you would be able to survive underwater and explore the greatest
depths of the sea, he'd say I'm lying.. The caveman, would thing I foolish for
following such believes, and carry on with his difficult life, running away from
the dangers of giant dinosaurs and creatures alike. While I'm here typing this
message in the comfort and safety of my own home, with no fear of danger and no
worries, at this moment. Now what is it that separates us from that caveman??
It's the belief of something greater, something so great that a caveman's mind
can't comprehend.
We are like this caveman, you, me, and everyone on this
earth, our minds are too small to even begin to understand the mysterious ways
of God, sure it sounds stupid, but so did the idea of flight to the caveman.
It is not until we die, and are released from the constraints of our
body's, when we could finally understand God, and be with him in heaven. But, if
we lack the will to believe in God, then our souls when our body dies. Don't
believe in a soul???? After all it can't be explain with medical science, right?
well right, it can't be.. but neither can the miracle of life, our soul is life,
something that medical science will never fully understand. I can't make a
strong argument for God, but you can't make a strong argument against God, the
fact is that no one understands God enough to argue for or against God.
Now, life is about making two choices, you can take it,
or leave it; you can go, or stay; you can disregard this e-mail, or take it to
heart; its these choices that determine or happiness in this world. Believing in
God, you lose nothing...you don't have to be a church go-er to have faith, you
don't have to pray everyday to have faith, you just have to believe. To not
believe you lose eternity in heaven, and gain eternity in hell. You can be
stubborn and throw this e-mail out, or post it on your page....It your free will
to do what you want, I can't stop you no one can, but just remember this, every
action has a direct opposite reaction....